Takeaways from Dale Carnegie’s “How To Win Friends and Influence People”

Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People” is a classic, and I did not understand what that meant until now, after reading the book. It has survived the test of time, and the lessons in it still applies to all of us today. It really is a treasure trove of actionable advice about forging friendships and leading people, and I’ve come to see why some of my way of doing things have worked for me all this time. Better, I’ve found places where I could use more practice and improve.

Here are some favourite lines from the book:

  • Let’s realise that criticisms are like homing pigeons. They always return home. Let’s realise that the person we are going to correct and condemn will probably justify himself or herself, and condemn us in return.
  • There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything. And that us by making the other person want to do it. The only way I can get you to do anything is giving you what you want.
  • We nourish the bodies of our children and friends and employees, but how seldom do we nourish their self-esteem? We provide them with roast beef and tomatoes to build energy, but we neglect to give them kind words of appreciation that would sing in their memories for years like the music of the morning stars.
  • If there is any secret to success, it likes in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as your own.
  • Keep in your mind on the great and splendid things you would like to do, and then, as the days go gliding away, you will find yourself unconsciously seizing upon the opportunities that are required for the fulfilment of your desire. Picture in your mind the able, earnest, useful person you desire to be, and the thought you hold is hourly transforming you into that particular individual.
  • He had wanted merely a friendly, sympathetic listener to whom he could unburden himself. That’s what we all want when we are in trouble. That is frequently all the irritated customer wants, and the dissatisfied employee or the hurt friend.
  • So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments. Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems.
  • Anyone who takes the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things you are. Think of them as people who really want to help you, and you may turn your opponents to friends.
  • You can tell people they are wrong by a look or an intonation or a gesture just as eloquently as you can in words – and if you tell them they are wrong, do you make them want to agree with you? Never! For you have struck a direct blow at their intelligence, judgment, pride, and self-respect. That will make them want to strike back. But it will never make them want to change their minds. You may then hurl at them all the logic of a Plato or an Immanuel Kant, but you will not alter their opinions, for you have hurt their feelings.
  • If you are going to prove anything, don’t let anybody know it. Do it so subtly, so adroitly, that no one will feel that you are doing it. You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself.
  • I am convinced now that nothing good is accomplished and a lot of damage can be done if you tell a person straight out that he or she is wrong. You only succeed in stripping that person of self-dignity and making yourself an unwelcome part of any discussion.
  • If a man’s heart is rankling with discord and ill feeling toward you, you can’t win him to your way of thinking with all the logic in Christendom. Scolding parents and domineering bosses and husbands and nagging wives ought to realize that people don’t want to change their minds. They can’t be forced or driven to agree with you or me. But they may be possibly led to, if we are gentle and friendly, ever so gentle and ever so friendly.
  • No one likes to feel that he or she is being sold something or told to do a thing. We much prefer to feel that we are buying of our own accord or acting on our own ideas. We like to be consulted about our wishes, our wants, our thoughts.
  • What do you think he found to be the most motivating factor – the one facet of the jobs that was most stimulating? Money? Good working conditions? Fringe benefits? No – not any of those. The one major factor that motivated people was the work itself. If the work was exciting and interesting, the worker looked forward to doing it and was motivated to do a good job.
  • This is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win. That is what makes foot-races, and hog-calling, and pie-eating contests. The desire to excel. The desire for a feeling of importance.
  • He always gave people the opportunity to do things themselves; he never told his assistants to do things; he let them do them, let them learn from their mistakes. A technique like that makes it easy for a person to correct errors. A technique like that saves a person’s pride and gives him or her a feeling of importance. It encourages cooperation instead of rebellion.
  • If you want to improve a person in a certain aspect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics. Assume a virtue, if you have it not. Assume and state openly that other people have the virtue you want them to develop. Give them a fine reputation to live up to, and they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned.
  • Tell your child, your spouse, or your employee that he or she is stupid or dumb at a certain thing, has no gift for it, and is doing it all wrong, and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve. But use the opposite technique – be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it – and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel.
  • It isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it. There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.
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One-on-Ones

The past few years I managed in-office software testing knowledge-sharing and tools-tutoring sessions for junior testers at work. It’s not something fancy, sessions are minimal but somewhat regular, and my goal was only to pass on some of the interesting lessons I’ve come to believe to be true based on studying and experience. I want them to become curious about the industry they’re in and I want them to take ownership of their own growth as testers.

I’ve always done the sessions in a group since there are only a few of them. It’s easier to manage that way. But this year I’ll try working with each tester one on one. And this year I’m having them select a skill they think is something they need to learn more of instead of me just providing some agenda in the group meetings. Each tester will have a weekly one-hour one-on-one schedule with me, we’ll review what the tester understands about the topic of their choosing, we’ll study together, and then I’ll provide challenges for them to go through until the next one-on-one. It’s an engaging setup I haven’t done before, something that’s likely to eat more of my time and attention but something that warrants testing since the organization recently changed work schedules to working remotely about half of the time.

Lessons Learned from Richard Bach’s “Curious Lives: Adventures from the Ferret Chronicles”

I always start the new year like most people, spending quality time with friends and family, some reflection and goal setting, with good food, many cheers, and hearty laughs. I also often choose a wonderful book or two to go on an adventure with during the holidays, because it is always worth the while. This time, I got lucky finding a paperback copy of an old Richard Bach collection, titled “Curious Lives: Adventures from the Ferret Chronicles”, was glad to meet up with ferret friends, old and new both, and got valuable reminders about the courtesies and living accordingly to our highest sense of right, along with the fun ride.

Here are my favorite lines from the book:

  • Whatever harm I would do to another, I shall do first to myself. As I respect and am kind to myself, so shall I respect and be kind to peers, to elders, to kits. I claim for others the freedom to live as they wish, to think and believe as they will. I claim that freedom for myself. I shall make each choice and live each day to my highest sense of right.
  • Once, long ago, we changed our minds: end violence. In its place, no matter what: courtesy.
  • If you excel at your craft, there is a good chance that curious ferrets will need to know why, to find out what makes you different.
  • With the adventures we choose and the mysteries we solve we build our own credentials, write our own introduction to others around the world who value adventure and mystery themselves.
  • Trust. There’s a light, when we close our eyes, the light of what we want to do more than anything else in the world. Trust that light. Follow, wherever it leads.
  • Giving our visions and stories and characters to become friends to others lifts not only ourselves but the world and all its futures.
  • “There’s a time to work on a book and you know it,” said the muse. “There’s a time to think about the story, a time to care about your readers, your publisher, about rhythm and timing and grammar and spelling and punctuation, about design and advertising and publicity. But none of those times, Budgeron, is when you’re writing!”
  • Her husband had told her long ago that she didn’t need to please everyone with her stories – if a book pleases only half of one percent of the reading public, though no one else bought a single copy, it will be a massive bestseller.
  • Budgeron Ferret had chosen to be a writer. With his choice came poverty, loneliness, rejection, frustration, despair, perseverance, delight, attention, riches, love, understanding, fulfilment, a life of ideas that mattered to him, shared now and then with kings and kits.
  • How strange, he thought. Find the greatest teachers, ask the hardest questions, they never say, ‘Study philosophy’, or, ‘Get your degree’. They say, ‘You already know’.
  • The mark of true flight is not our altitude but our attitude, not our speed but our joy in the paths we find above the earth.
  • No one taught her, but she knew: more important than talent or gifts or education is the determination to make one’s wish come true.
  • “Vink, if you want to meet the one ferret who can fix any trouble, no matter how bad it is, the one who can bring you happiness when nobody else can do it – why, just look in the mirror and say hello.”

Contemplating In-Office Knowledge-Sharing Sessions

In the past I tend to prepare presentation slides if I want to share something to tester colleagues at work, often clippings of interesting articles which I felt could be useful for our knowledge-sharing sessions. It worked, but after some time the sessions felt monotonous and tedious. Probably because I always have to explain in detail the ideas and the lessons behind those clippings. I try to make my presentations interesting, but I think that after a while hearing the same voice over and over can get old.

These days I’m sharing videos instead. The videos are usually recorded conference talks or tutorials I have watched and learned from in recent years, and I have taken care in listing the the ones that are insightful, fun, and relatively short. It’s like I’m inviting officemates to watch a short movie for free. The big change: I don’t take a lot of time talking during the knowledge-sharing anymore. There are of course still bits of discussions before, after, or during the showing of a video, whenever necessary, for explaining why I have taken a liking to the talk or to ask them about what they understood. We take turns telling stories about our experiences related to the ideas shared by the speaker, which is nice. And compared to the powerpoint presentations I did before, I felt that because the speaker is someone from outside it makes the ideas shared in the talks and tutorials feel more fresh and real than when I’m merely showing them quoted paragraphs from blogs. That makes it easier for my colleagues to get curious and actually learn something, which is exactly the point of the activity.

 

Teaching Software Testing

Work, so far in the recent weeks, has been a little different this year than the previous years because I have been setting aside some regular time for teaching software testing to new hires. It feels great, like some of the presentations I’ve made in the past, but more demanding, not that I complain. After all, there are some things one can only learn by indulging in the experience.

Like understanding (and gauging) how much do I really know about software testing, about how software exploration happens, about what automation can and cannot do, about finding risks, and about what matters in testing.

Like how there is still a need for thinking time and note taking and other preparations, in order to deeply grasp what to discuss with the students and what lessons do I want to share, even if I already have the ideas about how to proceed in my head.

Like finding out what teaching techniques work well, and which one’s do not.

Like acknowledging that roles switch some of the time, that teachers are also students, and students are also teachers.

Like how fun it is to challenge colleagues, and see them learning and growing as time passes into remarkable people we expect them to be.

Fiction and Non-Fiction

Mid-year recommended agile and testing books for software testers (or product owners):

I have always enjoyed reading, but back in college it was mostly Stephen King and Bob Ong novels, and the occasional Ayn Rand. They’re entertaining, I imagine characters in all sorts of dire circumstances and challenging situations, they’re educational and inspirational. They talk about the valuable things in life through fiction – adventure, friendship, philosophy, humanity, love  – in all sorts of ways, on all kinds of levels. Years passed since then and my favorite authors list have grown to include Richard Bach, Thomas Harris, Mitch Albom, William Golding, John Steinbeck, C.S. Lewis, John Grisham, among others, people who write fiction too.

But this year I have found myself surprised that I’ve been reading more testing-related, non-fiction books. What’s more surprising is that I have found them to be as refreshing, as educational, and as inspirational as fiction. I still imagine characters in both difficult and fun conditions, the books still talk about important things in life, although the lessons are now more specific, practical, especially to the kind of work that I do.

Opportunities Outside The Classroom

The wonderful opportunity to become remarkable teachers to other people, to share lessons about stuff we deeply understand and care for does not happen only inside a classroom (nor it should stop there). It presents itself in the office when colleagues asks for help in solving a problem, at home or outside when kids ask honest questions, or during fun conversations with friends and family.