Lessons from Mark Manson’s “Models: Attract Women Through Honesty”

I picked up Mark Manson’s Models: Attract Women Through Honesty” because I was intrigued by the title and because I am at a time in my life where I’d like to meet more interesting women. It did not disappoint. The book was insightful, and, like other compelling reads, it pushes me to look hard at myself and how I’ve been living my life, this time particularly on the subject of women. The concepts of neediness and vulnerability are, for me, the main takeaways.

Here are just a few of the noteworthy lines from the book:

  • In our post-industrial, post-feminist world, we lack a clear model of what an attractive man is. Centuries ago, a man’s role and duty was power and protection. Decades ago, it was to provide. But now? We’re not quite sure. We are either the first or second generation of men to grow up without a clear definition of our social roles, and without a model of what it is to be strong and attractive men.
  • Seduction is an interplay of emotions. Your movement or lack of movement reflects and alters emotions, not the words. Words are the side-effect. Sex is the side-effect. The game is emotions, emotions through movement.
  • In surveys among literally tens of thousands of women, across all cultures, ethnicities, age groups, and socio-economic standing, and even time periods, there’s one universal quality in men that they all find desirable: social status and access to resources. The amount in which they desire it varies from culture to culture and from age group to age group, but the desire for it is universal.
  • Social status is determined by how you behave around other people, how other people behave around you, and how you treat yourself.
  • Female arousal is somewhat narcissistic in nature. Women are turned on by being wanted, by being desired. The more physical assertiveness you pursue a woman with, the more aroused she becomes — sometimes even if she wasn’t interested in you to begin with.
  • How attractive a man is is inversely proportional to how emotionally needy he is. The more emotionally needy he is in his life, the less attractive he is and vice-versa. Neediness is defined by being more highly invested in other people’s perceptions of you than your perception of yourself.
  • All people eventually return to their baseline levels of investment. And until one is able to permanently alter his baseline level of identity investment in themselves, they will continue to attract the same types of women, and end up in the same failed relationships. Permanent change to one’s investment and neediness in their relationships with women is hard and a process that encompasses all facets of one’s life. But it’s a worthwhile journey. As a man, it may be the most worthwhile journey. And the key to it is probably something you wouldn’t expect. In fact, it’s something that most men turn their nose up to when they hear it. It’s vulnerability.
  • Making yourself vulnerable doesn’t just mean being willing to share your fears or insecurities. It can mean putting yourself in a position where you can be rejected, saying a joke that may not be funny, asserting an opinion that may offend others, joining a table of people you don’t know, telling a woman that you like her and want to date her. All of these things require you to stick your neck out on the line emotionally in some way. You’re making yourself vulnerable when you do them. In this way, vulnerability represents a form of power, a deep and subtle form of power. A man who’s able to make himself vulnerable is saying to the world, “I don’t care what you think of me; this is who I am, and I refuse to be anyone else.” He’s saying he’s not needy and that he’s high status.
  • Show your rough edges. Stop trying to be perfect. Expose yourself and share yourself without inhibition. Take the rejections and lumps and move on because you’re a bigger and stronger man. And when you find a woman who loves who you are (and you will), revel in her affection.
  • The biggest criticism of showing interest to a woman that you want to be with is that it immediately shows you as highly invested in her responses. When you say, “You’re cute and I wanted to meet you,” that translates roughly to, “Hi, I want to be with you and am officially invested in the prospect of it happening.” What they miss though is the sub-communication going on underneath what’s actually being said. The sub-communication is, “I’m totally OK with the idea of you rejecting me, otherwise I would not be approaching you in this manner.”
  • True honesty is only possible when it is unconditional. The truth is only the truth when it is given as a gift — when nothing is expected in return. When I tell a girl that she is beautiful, I say it not expecting anything in return. Whether she rejects me or falls in love with me isn’t important in that moment. What’s important is that I’m expressing my feelings to her. I will give compliments only when I am honestly inspired to give them, and usually after already meeting a woman and displaying to her that I’m willing to disagree with her, willing to be rejected by her and willing to walk away from her if it ever comes to that.
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Five People and Their Thoughts (Part 8)

Sharing a new batch of engaging videos from people I follow, which I hope you’ll come to like as I do:

  • Workarounds (by Alan Richardson, about workarounds, how you can use them in testing, custom-using tools, moving boilerplate to the appendix, bypassing processes that gets in the way, understanding risks and value, technical skills, and taking control of your career)
  • 100% Coverage is Too High for Apps! (by Kent Dodds, on code coverage, what it tells you, as well as what it does not tell you)
  • Open Water Swimming (by Timothy Ferriss, about fears, habits, total immersion swimming, Terry Laughlin, compressing months of conventional training into just a few days, and the power of micro-successes)
  • How To Stop Hating Your Tests (by Justin Searls, representing Test Double, on doing only three things for tests, avoiding conditionals, consistency, apparent test purpose, redundant test coverage, optimizing feedback loops, false negatives, and building better workflows)
  • Meaning of Life (by Derek Sivers, about a classic unsolvable problem, using time wisely, making good choices, making memories, the growth mindset, inherent meaning, and a blank slate)

Choosing Variables

We consider a lot of things when we build and test software.

Who are our customers? On which browsers or platforms do we target to deploy our application? Does our software load fast enough for a considerable number of users? Are we vulnerable for SQL injection and cross-site scripts? What happens when two or more people use a specific feature at the same time? Is our API stable and structured well enough for its purpose? How easy is it to set up our apps from scratch? Do we handle rollbacks? What metrics should we monitor on production? Do we feel happy about our happy paths and other not-so-happy paths? What actual problem is our app trying to solve?

There’s a fair amount of room for making mistakes. Bugs can creep in where there are gaps. Some errors are likely to occur while we are building and testing stuff because there’s just so many variables involved.

That’s how things are. There’s not one but several moving parts. It’s up to us to decide whether to be overwhelmed at the complexity or decide to get better at finding out which things to look out for and learn those.

The same is true in building and testing the life we choose to live.

Takeaways from Rob Lambert’s “How To Thrive As A Web Tester”

Rob Lambert released a new book on testing early this year, with title “How To Thrive as a Web Tester“. Like “Remaining Relevant and Employable in a Changing World” and “The Problems with Software Testing“, the new book only takes a few hours to read through and is focused, this time offering ideas which challenges testers to think more about how they perform their day-to-day work and their skill set. Rob wants us to flourish as testers, and the book provides us with tidbits of actionable items.

Here are a few gems from the book:

  • Understand who your customer is.
  • Your job is to keep up to date with what’s happening, ask how it might affect your job or how you approach testing. Your job is to get involved with new ideas, movements and embrace the technology that floats your boat.
  • Pick something and learn it. It will likely be out-of-date soon, or surpassed by something else. Don’t let that stop you though – just pick something and learn it. What never goes out-of-date is a Tester’s ability to find problems, ask tough questions and work well with others. Focus on developing those skills and you’ll make a great Tester whatever the tech stack you’re working on.
  • The tech moves on, the way we deliver it has moved on, the pace of delivery may change but the same problems exist; how to get people to work well together, how to understand customer’s needs, how to scale, how to make profit, how to dominate a market, how to learn, how to build an effective and efficient businesses, how to stop bugs affecting customers. Same problems, different tech.
  • Your job is to ship software. Sure, if there are problems that will affect the customer or company, you’ll stop the release, but you’ll also work tirelessly to see how you can improve to allow safer releases, better monitoring, better rollbacks, better roll forwards and a more seamless release mechanism.
  • You need to remain relevant, employable and effective to a wider business community. You cannot rely on your employers for your career development and security – that is your own responsibility.
  • Let go of your job role, or what your job description says, and take ownership of the actual work and any problems that surround it. Take on problems others aren’t owning. Or offer to help those struggling with fixing tricky problems at work. There are always problems, and most problems exist between job roles.
  • Testing is the art of asking questions and seeking answers. Never stop asking questions. Study how to ask good questions. Study how to listen for answers. They can come from anywhere, at any time. Good Testers know when to ask questions. They build the muscle memory needed to match patterns, to know when and where to ask, to know what to ask, to know who to ask, and to follow instincts.
  • Good Testers solve problems. Even problems that are outside of the responsibility of Testers.
  • If you aren’t as good as you can be, it’s because you haven’t yet decided to be the best version of yourself yet. It’s as simple as that.
  • We are all, thankfully, different. There is no single model we should all fit. The world would be a pretty dull place if that were the case.

The Harajuku Moment

On a chapter from Timothy Ferriss‘s book titled “The 4-Hour Body“, he talks about something significant called the Harajuku moment, described as:

.. an epiphany that turns a nice-to-have into a must-have.

The expression actually came from a realization Chad Fowler (programmer, writer, co-organizer of RubyConf and RailsConf) had in Harajuku with friends some time in the past, while window shopping and lamenting how unfashionable he was. He noticed the tone of helplessness in his own words as he talked about his obesity, and felt angry at himself for being an idiot who went with the flow, making excuses, for many years.

After that defining moment, he turned things around and lost nearly a 100 pounds.

Two years in a row of annual physical exams (2015-2016), I was told that I have hypertension. The previous years I also felt that I tire quickly, becoming more so as the days went by. I’m just over 30, skinny, and believed that I should still be in my prime but was not. I wondered why things turned out the way they did, and eventually recognized that existing habits did not help me become the healthy person I thought I was.

I’m now performing weight-lifts and body-weight exercises 4 times a week, and is in my best shape in the past 10 years or so. What’s interesting is that making the change was actually fun and somewhat easy, very unlike the grueling and exasperating experience I initially thought it would be. I plan to keep things up, gaining as much strength as I can and keeping body fat percentage minimal.

What the Harajuku moment tells us is that, often, on most days, we have insufficient reason to take action. We only have nice-to-haves. We tell ourselves it would be nice to get fit, go on a date with that someone we really like, have a well refactored code, travel internationally, or learn a new skill. But the nice-to-haves do not give us enough pain to move forward. That’s why we sometimes feel we’re stuck in a rut.

Our nice-to-haves must first turn to must-haves before we can take advice and act.

Bumping Into Discovery Testing

Until recently, what I mostly knew about test-driven development was the concept of red-green-refactor, unit testing application code while building them from the bottom-up. Likewise, I also thought that mocking was only all about mocks, fakes, stubs, and spies, tools that assist us in faking integrations so we can focus on what we really need to test. Apparently there is so much more to TDD and mocks that many programmers do not put into use.

Justin Searls calls it discovery testing. It’s a practice that’s attempts to help us build carefully-designed features with focus, confidence, and mindfulness, in a top-down approach. It breaks feature stories down into smaller problems right from the very beginning and forces programmers to slow down a little bit, enough for them to be more thoughtful about the high-level design. It uses test doubles to guide the design, which shapes up a source tree of collaborators and logical leaf nodes as development go. It favors rewrites over refactors, and helps us become aware of nasty redundant coverage with our tests.

And it categorizes TDD as a soft skill, rather than a technical skill.

He talks about it in more depth in a series of videos, building Conway’s Game of Life (in Java) as a coding exercise. He’s also talked about how we are often using mocks the wrong way, and shared insight on how we can write programs better.

Discover testing is fascinating, and has a lot of great points going for it. I feel that it takes the concept of red-green-refactor further and drives long-term maintainable software right from the start. I want to be good at it eventually, and I know I’d initially have to practice it long enough to see how much actual impact it has.

Notes from Scott James’ “Bony to Brawny: No B.S. Techniques To Stack On Slabs Of Lean Muscle Mass And Get Strong As Hell Regardless Of How Skinny You Are”

I have always been a skinny dude. And I have always thought that I won’t change, that it’s just the way things are for me. But keeping the same diet and sedentary lifestyle for many years has taken its toll in recent years and, although I have not been sickly, my energy levels just did not feel the same as it has been when I was younger. I tire easily now than before, even when I don’t really go out much. Perhaps it’s just age doing its thing, like we are supposed to get tired faster as we get older. But it is a nagging feeling, it does not feel good at all, and is something that I decided I want to find a sustainable way of correcting this year if possible.

Reading Scott James’ ‘Bony to Brawny‘ book (and actually changing diet and exercise habits) is taking multiple steps forward towards that goal.

Some takeaways from the book:

  • The funny thing is I have literally never regretted a workout – it just doesn’t happen. The release of endorphins and the feeling of knowing you’re making progress towards your goals while improving your health, mobility, and well-being is intense.
  • If you’ve been skinny all your life, chances are you haven’t been eating much in terms of calories. When you’re entering a bulking phase, the amount of food may seem overwhelming. Focus on liquid nutrition. Consuming two shakes (depending on how many calories you incorporate) plus two solid meals will without a doubt place you in a the caloric range you need to be hitting to pack on some solid lean muscle mass.
  • There is no food out there that’ll make you gain muscle at a quicker rate than another food. The food itself won’t build muscle – the calories and macro-nutrients it contains will. Try fish, chicken breast, eggs, cottage cheese, almonds, brown rice, milk, and sweet potatoes.
  • Eating fat will not make you fat at all. Fat is essential for regulating hormones. Excess calories make you fat – not any particular macro-nutrient itself (protein, carbohydrates, or fat).
  • For optimal performance in sports and resistance training, as well keeping your appetite in check, consumer at least 30% of your daily calories from protein, with the remaining 70% coming from a breakdown of carbs and fats. If you neglect your protein intake you will not be able to be able to build and retain lean muscle; if all you’re eating is carbohydrates and fat, you’ll be packing on the pounds in the form of stored body fat.
  • In order to build that muscle mass and shred that fat, you need to create the demand for your body to do so. After ongoing demand, your body begins to adapt, and adaption is growth. This demand is solely created inside the gym – i.e. lifting heavy weights! An exercise regime based on compound movements will force your body to adapt – heavy squats, deadlifts, bench presses and overhead presses in the low rep range will create the demand far better than any isolation based workout regime based around light dumbbells or machines.
  • Without a caloric surplus, you won’t pack on any muscle mass. At the same time, if lifting is neglected and dieting is honed in on to the utmost detail, you’re still on the road to fat gain as your body is not being forced to adapt and grow (using this caloric surplus to repair your body and build muscle)
  • As a newcomer, you will find the demand is quite easy as your body has never experienced such stress before. However, as time goes on, you must apply progressive overload in order to keep the demand going. Increasing the weight you’re lifting, increasing the time your muscles are under tension, adding in a few additional reps – these techniques are designed to place an increased load on your muscles each and every workout. In essence, the demand must become greater and greater with each workout. When you’re demanding the same thing from your muscles week after week (same weight, same reps, same time under tension), the demand to go above and beyond has vanished, and so will your progression in terms of size and strength). The guys in the gym repping the same weight week in week out won’t get far. The guy adding that extra 2.5 lb plate to the barbell each workout will. It adds up over time.
  • In order to get big you need to focus your energy on your heavy compound movements. Don’t major in minors, aka: spending your time floating around from isolation exercise to isolation exercise. This is a sure-fire way for a skinny guy to see sub-par size gains. Movements or exercise that do not give the muscles the required resistance, but are the kind that involve a great number of repetitions, never break down any tissue to speak of. These movements involve a forcing process that cause the blood to swell up the muscle, and simply pump them up. The insane, full, pumped feeling you get in your arms and chest when training is merely the increased blood flow tot the particular muscle group being worked. The pump does not equate to muscle growth.
  • If you’re new to low rep training, it’s worth noting that you will not get the immense pumps you may be used to from performing high repetition training. As a general rule, most things that are satisfying in the short term aren’t beneficial at all in the long run.
  • Once you are comfortably hitting the top end of the rep range, I recommend increasing the weight. You should be able to perform a minimum of four reps with the new weight. If you’re unable to perform four reps with correct form and range of motion, the weight is too heavy. Add 5 lbs/10 lbs to each dumbbell/barbell exercise once you are comfortably hitting the upper range of the prescribed repetitions.
  • Each and every repetition should be controlled and timed. 2 seconds down – 1 second hold – 2 seconds up. If you’re performing your repetitions any faster than this, your muscles won’t be under tension for particularly long. To ensure you get the maximum bang for the buck in terms of size and strength, focus on the 2:1:2 tempo. Rest for 2-3 minutes between sets of heavy compound exercises. Rest for 1-2 minutes maximum between sets of isolation exercises.
  • We don’t build muscle in the gym by banging and clanging around with heavy weights. We’re actually destroying our muscle fibers – which is telling our bodies that our current physique is insufficient. Resting after a workout and the nutrition components of your bulking phase are where the growth comes from. Lifting four times per week with adequate sleep and recovery will net you far greater results than training six times per week with minimal sleep and no downtime.
  • Sleep plays a key role in the following bodily processes: regulation of glucose in the body, promoting good blood pressure, the perfect way to recover and repair damaged muscles, promoting hormonal functions and processes, promotion cognitive functions and processes. Your sleep should be within the 7-9 hour  bracket per night, keeping in mind this is high quality, uninterrupted sleep.
  • If you’re not making any size gains, this will be the result of one of two things:
    • You’re not lifting heavy enough. In order to grow, we need to provide ongoing progressive overload during our workouts. Ensure you’re working in the prescribed rep ranges for your heavy compound exercises and give it your all. If you’re calling it quits on your set when it starts to feel uncomfortable, you’re not going to get too far.
    • If you’re lifting regime is solid, then the issue is likely to be related to your diet, or most specifically the lack of calories you’re consuming. A failure to build muscle mass is most commonly due to an insufficient number of calories coming in. Re-calculate your total daily energy expenditure and apply a more aggressive caloric surplus if necessary.
  • Pick a workout routine, follow it, eat well, and get adequate rest. Follow this consistently for six months. During the course of this time, track your weight, your body fat, your arm size, your chest size, how you feel after each workout, and from there you can reassess and make the necessary changes.
  • When your progress slows down or completely stops, whether this be in strength gains, shedding that unwanted body fat or gaining muscle mass, it’s time to take a step back and look at what you’re actually doing. Doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different outcome is the definition of insanity.
  • Progress is the ultimate motivator. It’s the positive feedback loop of putting in effort, seeing results and therefore continuing to grind away day after day because you know what you’re doing is making a difference.